Pieces

I can remember a bible study in youth group my youth pastor talking about our life.  How we can't always see how the choices we make, the things we decide, are going to affect us later.  It is like through a hole in a fence and only seeing that is right in front of you, just a small view.  But God sees beyond the fence.  In my adult life, our pastor back at our church in our hometown preached a similar sermon.  He used the illustration of a movie.  When the artists for Snow White had to do each and every sketch to compile that film, they had no idea how it would really come together.  It was the final product, the masterpiece of their work coming to life that they saw what it was supposed to be.

For the past few months I have grappled with God about the pieces of my life.  So many seemed to be missing.  Truth be told, this summer when Andrew accepted the job and we began the transition to move, I was resistant.  I really did not see how this move was going to give us anything better than what we already had.  In all honesty, I felt like we (the boys and I) were asked to give up a lot.  And, once we got here, I felt like I had even fewer pieces of our life's puzzle.  I missed so many things about home: the people, our church, the conveniences we had that I had taken for granted.

It was all I could focus on some days.  We were in the smallest house we had EVER lived in with more people (and now growing).  We were making the least amount of income EVER since Andrew and I had gotten married.  Every solid "piece" of my previous life that I had worked hard for seemed very distant.

It was rough for a bit.  I was angry.  I was angry at Andrew.  I was angry at myself.  I was angry at my Dad (who encouraged us to take this job because he could see the points Andrew made in favor of the move and agreed with them).  And, sometimes, I felt angry at God.  I mean we had prayed about this.  And we both, at one time, felt that this was exactly what we were supposed to do.  I kept wondering where the blessing was in all of this.  Was this choice going to pay off?

What I realized was I had to let go.  I had to seriously let go of that anger and my ideas of what our lives were supposed to look like.  I had to let go of the control I wanted to have over everything.

This past month, God has slowly started to give me some pieces.  Slowly, He has started to reveal to me things in our lives that have happened as a result of this move that, frankly, probably would not have happened if we hadn't.  He began to reveal these things to me slowly.  When I would question- He would reveal a truth to me in something I was reading.  When I pushed to see if there was another route we were supposed to be on, He shut the door to that opportunity completely.

Some pieces He gave me:

My marriage.  Andrew and I are closer now as a couple than we have ever been.  We've had to be each others go to because we have been really all we have.  I couldn't run down the street to my best friend or drive across town to our parents. God has grown us to love each other in ways we always should have, but weren't really.

My children.  This move allowed me, forced me ready or not, to stay home with my boys.  I have had the joy of witnessing so many wonderful moments with them.  Sharing our days together.  Being the one to take care of their every need. It's exhausting.  I am not always wonderful and neither are they.  But these moments will be gone so quickly.  They will be in school and making friends and choosing activities that take away from our time together.

Dependence.  Before when Andrew and I both worked outside the home, we were not very dependent on God.  I mean we absolutely took our faith seriously but not in a way that we would say ok God- we are trusting you this month to help us figure out how to pay for X.  About a month after Andrew started his position, his insurance changed drastically, as it did for many with the new insurance policies.  It was a hit to our monthly income and there was a gap that we weren't really sure how to close.  About two months prior I had started working from home as a coach.  I started to pray that God would bless my business.  I started to pray that He would be at the center of it.  That the people I would help would find joy in themselves.  That the people who I coached alongside would become friends.  That He would equip me and trust me with much.  As I prayed that prayer- fully dependent on needing Him- He began to answer.  Every month we have always had what we needed. Even when we shouldn't, because of unexpected expenses and such, God has always provided.

Compromise.  This piece was one that I know would not have happened without this move.  I didn't see it before, but I was not one to compromise.  I always said there were things I wanted but when Andrew would present me with options of how to obtain those things (staying home, buying this or that, etc) if it didn't fit into how I thought we should get, or if I would have to give something up, I would  not compromise.  Now I consider things so much differently.  I'm willing to give a little.  To wait something out versus pushing for it now.

This move is still hard.  I still miss my friends and feel like I don't fit here sometimes.  I still miss the home we bought with such pride planning to raise our kids in.  But what I know, what I can stand firm on, is that this move was the right move. I don't have all the pieces yet. But I am ok with that now.