BIG Day for the Bruce Brood

Yesterday was such a big day. We have had such a busy week that I planned for Friday to not be too full. 

In fact, I took full advantage of a new(er) service our Kroger is offering called ClickList. You shop for your stuff online and then the store has shoppers to put it all together for you, bring it out and LOAD it! I don't mind going to the grocery store and my boys really have never complained and are really good, even when I go to three different stores! But the option of being done with grocery shopping, including coming back home and putting it away in less than 20 minutes is a tad appealing. 

Andrew had been on the road or had late nights all week so yesterday he took an office day but was on a conference call most of the day while working. There isn't much to take advantage of in that situation BUT it does allow a person to be home during nap if mama wants to go run. And this mama did!! 

In small group we are doing the study Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I've been reading the book along with our group study and it is so so good! I really love all of his work. (His book You and Me Forever is a MUST READ for anyone married!) Well this week was talking about keeping the cross in our minds. Not just something we take for granted. I love that and found it especially challenging and convicting. So on my run, I spent some time in prayer. Praying for my boys, myself as their mother, my role as a wife to my husband. And I was praying, intentionally, about the cross. And it's gravity. And it's significance. And I had these thoughts...that there was nothing too ugly for the cross, no sin to big, no person to far from it's redemption. 

They were pretty powerful thoughts coming off of also praying for our country along with so many yesterday. I found that so comforting. The redeeming power of the cross is for everyone. 

I continued to pray and pour my heart out before God. I felt Him so near to me. I walked the last half mile home and felt His peace and presence. 

There was comfort in that. Because yesterday was a BIG day. I had been a little on edge all morning, putting away groceries, picking up the house, my mind going over a list of questions, because yesterday, we met with our case worker for the first time. She came to our house yesterday afternoon and Andrew and I began the first step (of many) in becoming licensed foster parents. 

It is surreal. This thing Andrew and I have talked about for a couple of years now. That we went back and forth on. That we spoke to others about. That we prayed about. Taking this first real step and knowing that we have no idea what is on the other side of this journey--completely surreal. 

Before our meeting, Hudson got home from school. We did our after school routine: going through his back pack and folders, asking about his day, his brothers smothering him with their chatter, and settling into snack. I felt convicted to take some time to pray though. Before she showed up, our family huddled on a couch and we prayed for this journey. For God's guidance, grace and wisdom. 

I don't know what the next few months will bring (besides questions and answers as Andrew and I learn more). But I do know that stepping out in faith will be the greatest thing we do. 

Gabe Update

At the beginning of this year I started to have some concerns surrounding Gabe and his speech, or his lack of speech to be more exact. I remembered both Hudson and Beau beginning to talk, the time frame, the progression. I wasn't seeing the same pattern in Gabe. I knew from all my child development classes that children reach certain milestones at different times. I knew that is where there is a range versus an exact date for children to do things. And I knew that, with Gabe, he was one to do things in his own time.

This summer though, without seeing progress, with still have this sweet boy quiet more often than not, my mom intuition was desperate to seek out some answers. I didn't want to wait for his two year well visit. I didn't want to prolong getting him help if he was showing a delay. I wanted to make sure I was his advocate.

Fortunately there are services that help determine if there is an actual delay or if your child is just progressing on his own timeline. With Gabe not being able to talk for himself, there were certain aspects of the testing that I had to answer for him. What I had observed. I knew even before we got the results, just from answering the questions, that Gabe was going to show a pretty severe deficit in his area of communication.

Where all other areas were normal or above average, Gabe's expressive language was showing a 40% deficit. He was understanding and comprehending language, he just wasn't talking.

We began services at the beginning of August. Speech therapy once a week with support from a developmental therapist once a week as well to encourage what was happening in speech therapy.

If I'm honest, I wanted to see progress right away. I wanted to see that gap close. I wanted to hear my child talk and express himself. Gabe's sweet personality, silliness, and joyful disposition (most of the time....he is still a typical two year old), I wanted expressed in words!

Two months in, some progress has been made. His attention has gotten better as he focuses on the tasks in front of him. He is using his known, strong words more frequently with more clarity. He is imitating vowels better and making syllables with "repeating" back a word.

But there are still missing pieces. Although he is making a great effort, he still is missing a lot of the sounds.

This week we are diving into two possible scenarios that could be slowing Gabe's progress: a tongue tie or a possible apraxia diagnosis.

We've read up some on both, on how they can effect speech. Our prayer is for God to give us answers. For God to show us how to best help Gabe. For God to give us patience as we wait to see what he needs or if it is just waiting on Gabe.

I'm thankful for early intervention, for knowledge of speech-pathologists and the patience of ours in particular who is so caring and loving with Gabe, even when he is in a salty mood.

I'm also thankful that God already knows what awaits us and is more than capable of taking us on this journey.

The Waiting Phase

We have gotten so much support since Andrew and I announced our plans to adopt. The messages and comments and questions have all been really awesome. It is neat to find out from others who have experienced adoption; to hear their perspectives, their stories, their passion surrounding such a decision. Each story breathes new excitement and hope into our journey ahead.

We've gotten a lot of questions about what's next; where we are in the process.

And this is the hard part. We are in the waiting phase. And not the waiting phase everyone typically assumes when they hear of adoption. We aren't waiting on a child. We are waiting to BEGIN.

One area Andrew was very clear on being secure was the area of our finances. We got married young, had a child young, and added to our family quickly. We never really built up a nest egg, both of use paying for and working during college and then moving so quickly into marriage. We don't regret it. But we do know the role financial stress can play in a marriage. We've heard of the stress the adoption process, especially fostering to adopt, can add to a marriage and a family. We want to eliminate as much stress as possible.

So we wait. We work. We pray.

With each inquiry it has been hard for me. I wonder why we have this desire so strongly if now is a season of waiting. I wonder if we are even really equipped enough to be adding another person to our family. If I'm strong enough. If it will ever feel like the time is ready to take that next step.

I've been praying about all of this. About my doubts and insecurities. About God's plan and timing in this. About helping me to have faith and patience to wait on His perfect timing {because His timing IS always perfect.}

And like water to my thirsty soul, He gave me this thought.

Adoption isn't about how good I am. It's about how good HE is. And that's enough.

This journey is not about Andrew or I. It's not about our timing or our plan. It isn't about what we see as the next right child for our family.

God already knows. I believe he knows the age, gender, and time our next child will enter our family.

This season is absolutely about waiting. I'm to lean into who God is and what He's promised. My faith is to carry me through this season, however long it is. It is not my job to understand this journey, but to GO on this journey, wherever it leads.

This is the waiting phase. And I have complete trust that it is only a phase. The next part in our story.

After all of these years, it still surprises me when I try to make a plan but then feel a tug to go a different direction.

I'm a planner to my core. I like organization. I like to know the details. I like consistency and order. I thrive on checklists, tidiness, and a well thought out plan. I like to let loose and have fun, but I also want to know what's coming next.

I have a tendency to make plans for my life.  I always have.  I knew what I wanted to go to college and study. I knew I wanted to be married young and have a family right away.  I knew I wanted two boys and two girls. I knew I wanted to have the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood (preferably in the south) and to spend my days teaching and my summers taking my little family to the pool.

In a lot of ways, God knew the plans and desires of my heart. And in a lot of ways, my life seemed to go as planned, minus the two boys and two girls part. ;)

Yet, there has been a lot I haven't planned on. I didn't plan on the first year of marriage being so trying. I didn't plan how hard it was to learn to live with someone and put them first and to truly be the kind of wife Christ calls us to be. I didn't plan on having a c-section with our first (with all) child. I didn't plan that after having our first son, I would struggle with feeling down. I didn't plan to quit my job at the time I did and I never planned on moving to a small town I had only heard of once before.

All of those "unplanned" parts of my life God used. In every season of difficulty was growth. My faith was deepened because I leaned in to God and his constant, unwavering love. He pulled me in and spoke truths to my heart.

I think for me, those seasons of growth were necessary. They were necessary because, without them, I wouldn't be aware of God's voice. I wouldn't be seeking so deeply His plan for my life. He has proven over and over that His plans are so much better.

This last year has revealed new plans for my life.  Plans I never expected.  I don't know when or how, but God has gently tugged and whispered to my heart, creating a desire so deep that it moves me to tears when I think about it.

I'm still a planner. I still thrive on details and organization and consistency. I still love to know what's coming. But I'm learning to release the details to the One who has orchestrated them all so much better than any plan I've ever come up with.

New Year, Better Me

It's been months since I've last blogged. Life has definitely been busy. I started this blog two years ago as a way to document our lives in all it's busy, crazy, growing years. I want to remember the best times with my family. I want them to have a place to come and remember when I can no longer tell them the stories.

But, with everything that has good intentions, blogging was often times put on the back burner. Between moves, having another baby, building a business, and, if I'm being honest, not sure my blog was any good when I compared it to the other blogs I love , I just stopped.

During the last few weeks of 2015 I hit the pause button on some areas of my life in a BIG way. Each day was about me spending my time how I saw it. If that meant playing Legos for hours. If it meant watching Netflix instead of being productive. If it meant skipping a workout session. If it meant ordering take out two nights in a row because, eh, who really wants to cook.

You see, I had put all this pressure on myself to map out my days a certain way. I had laid out these goals with these deadlines; buried myself in expectations I had conjured up about what would make me better, be best for our family. And while most of those expectations and goals still ring true, I learned I wanted to go about achieving them in a very DIFFERENT way.

I revised my goals for 2016. Here it is six days in and I am just writing my first blog of the new year. Because one of my goals for myself is

{ G R A C E }
Grace extended to me from me. Grace extended to my kids when they ask (for the 100th time) what we are doing today. Grace extended to my husband when, although he tries his best, he just doesn't understand how I'm so tired when I've just been home all day. Grace to the person in front of me in line at the grocery store who is taking forever to check out her 4 items. Grace.

I'm human. I will have good and bad days. And the bad days don't really matter unless I dwell on them and forget that I'm human because I get so wrapped up in trying to be perfect.

And....

{ B A L A N C E }
I'm claiming balance in 2016. All that stuff I listed: wife, mom, Beachbody coach, school board member, taxi driver, etc... I can be each of those things. I can do those things well. But I can't do them all ALL the time. I will do what must be done first every day. The other tasks I cross of my list--they are bonus. Because I know I can't get it all done every day. But some. I am committing to some each day.


But most of all....

{ J O Y }
I hit pause back in December for the simple fact that, for being the most wonderful time of the year, I wasn't feeling so wonderful. And that is not OK. I love the holiday season and I would be damned if I wasn't going to find a way to be JOYFUL in it.

I looked at what I was doing and asked if it would bring me joy in that moment. If it wasn't going to, and didn't HAVE TO be done, I didn't do it.

And in doing that, I realized quickly the things in my life that do bring me joy.

• my family
• my friends
• working out
• reading
• time in God's word
• blogging
• helping others through my work

I realized I love most of what I already did, just not how I did it.

That is why I'm blogging again. It brings me joy. I love looking back at our babies. I love reading how life was at a point in time. I enjoy sharing my perspective and thoughts. It isn't about anyone else.

This year, when I set goals and go after achieving them, those three words are in my mind. They are the heartbeat of my day-to-day.

Favorite Summer Reads

I love books! Reading has always been something I have enjoyed. I could literally devour a book in a day. I hate putting a book down and will often trade sleep to keep reading. 

Sadly, between motherhood, running my own business, teaching group fitness and just all life has in this season, I don't get to read as much as I like.  In the summer months however, I seem to be able to get more reading done. Whether that is because of time spent in the car traveling to weekends away or vacation, time out in the sun where I can read (and watch my kids play) or just a more lax schedule, I read books like it is no one's business. 

This summer was no different. I got to read several books and had some that I really loved and others that left me a bit disappointed. 

In case you are looking for some good reads to add to your list, here are my favorites; in no particular order. 

1. Nobody's Cuter Than You by Melanie Shankle 

Last summer I got hooked on Melanie's first two books. When I saw she had a new book out, I immediately added it to my Kindle and got to reading. The style of her writing; the way she can tell a story so you feel like you know the people involved and were actually there; the friendship she creates with her readers through pen and page, all reasons I love reading her books. 

This book about friendships had me in stitches from laughing so hard and then in deep reflection over my own friendships, both past and present. 

Nobody's Cuter Than You is one I will read again and one I am picking up for some of my besties!

2. The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty 

Liane Moriarty was an author who I'd never read before this summer. I read two of her books and enjoyed both. Her character development was wonderful. The twists and turns in this story, and the next on my list, were ones I appreciated. Sometimes when reading, we can call the plot twists from just chapters in.  Not with this book. The story took it's time to develop but also never drug on. I love suspenseful books and this one didn't disappoint. 

3. What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

Another great read! Completely different. I was so enthralled with the concept of this book and Alice's situation I couldn't put it down. 

4. You're Made For a God- Sized Dream by Holly Gerth

One of the aspects I love most about my job is the emphasis put on personal development. To continue to grow and learn and strive to be your best possible self is not something that we all naturally do on our own. Often, after schooling, we stop seeking ways to improve in our lives. Not just in what we do professionally but also as people. I try to read at least 10 minutes each day in whatever personal development book I am in at the time. This summer, I picked up the book named above and I LOVED it. I felt like the book was written to me, for me!

If you have ever had a dream placed in your heart but doubted yourself, the dream, if it is God's will, how to attain it--pick up this book.  One aspect of the book I probably loved most was that the dream itself wasn't what made it God-sized.  That not everyone is called to cross the ocean and be a missionary.  Sometimes being called to motherhood is the God-sized dream placed in our heart. 

Seriously--pick this one up! 

I am going to try to attempt keeping up my reading throughout the remainder of the year.  My goal is three books a month. One personal development, one parenting or devotional sort of book, and one for fun!

What did you read this summer? What are some must reads? 

Hitting the pause button

Thankfully the weather seems to have finally gotten the memo that spring is approaching.  I don't know about you, but months and months of cold with lack of sun exposure and being cooped up indoors doesn't really sit well in my soul.  I enjoy the snow and days in my pjs with the boys.  But I can only take so many.  Then I just long for walks, days at the park, swimming pools, grilling season, and nights around the fire pit.

Today was rainy.  I had errands to run after taking Hudson to preschool.  And errands with two littles in the rain {one still in an infant carrier} just doesn't scream fun.  It doesn't put me in the best mood.  Beau and Gabe were great and Gabe actually fell asleep by the time we got home.  I had made a list of things to do earlier this morning and I had thought of about 10 more things to add to that list while out.

Do you ever have the feeling of being so overwhelmed by what you have to do that you don't know where to start? That was how I felt today.  I went about making some calls, scheduling appointments, trying to cross things off the list.  I folded laundry {does it ever end} and went to put it away when I saw Beau in his room, curled up in a chair.

I set my laundry basket down and said, "Hey, Beau Bear. What are you doing?"

To which he replied, "My don't know.  I tired."

"Want mama to hold you?"

And my sweet, two and a half year old, more boy than baby these days guy crawled onto my lap and into my arms and just rested.  Total peace.  Deep breaths.  Complete stillness.

And I rested.  I paused on the day and soaked in the moment.  Grateful that my sweet bear still wants to be held by his mommy.  Thankful that, even though the days are crazy and oh-so-long during the winter months, I get to be the arms that hold him.

In that moment, God reminded me that taking a moment to pause is OK.  He reminded me that I can always rest in His arms.  That, I too, can experience peace and calm in His presence.  I just have to be still long enough.

Embracing the Chaos

It seems like the days are just flying by.  I look around our house and can't believe it is mid-October.  I see the stacks of boxes everywhere: the garage, the kitchen, the basement.  Our decorations are down and to someone who likes to keep a tidy home, the mess of less {you know what I am talking about..the living in a home transitioning to move} can be a bit overwhelming.  Add to that two toddlers and a newborn and being home all day and trying to run a business.  And the fact that I leave for a quick work trip just a few days after we move and host Beau's birthday party the next weekend after that...

I could let all of that overwhelm me.  Suffocate me.  Blind me. And there are definite moments when all I can think about is all I have to get done and the fact that I just want to clean something.  But I am trying really hard to focus on the bigger picture.  

Never in a million years did I think that this would be my reality.  Moving back close to friends and family before the holidays.  Knowing that a trip to see a friend would be minutes versus hours.  That feeling of not having to pack a bag just to visit cousins {unless it is an overnight sleepover for the kids but then still, the bag is not mine}.  The giddiness I feel to know Andrew and I will be able to take a date night because of the countless sitter options we will have again.  And not to mention, date night options closer than an hour's drive.  My heart is just so, so full.  

This weekend I was reading Melanie Shankle's The Antelope in the Living Room.  I laughed the entire way through that book and in the midst of laughing was dealt some deep thinking because that is just her style. She writes like she is talking to her closest friends and funny aside, there are just some things every good friend shares with the other.  As I reflected on some of the anecdotes and wisdom she shared, I thought about Andrew and I's journey, all the unexpected adventures, ups and downs of our marriage.  I wouldn't trade any of it.  Even the challenges.  They helped shape us.  They guided us to down roads we otherwise wouldn't travel.  They drew us closer and caused us to love deeper.  

In the midst of all the chaos of the next month or so, I know this is just another chapter in our story.  A chapter that has some stress but so much joy.  A chapter that we will look back on and see how we grew, how we yielded to honor one another through the stress and schedules and newness of life back home with three.  I just know that this chapter is going to become one of my favorites.  

In the trenches

Do you ever have those days? Days where you feel like all you've done is correct? Redirect? Put your kids in time-out? Days where your patience is short and the grace you extend seems to be limited.  Days when it seems like your kids are constantly bickering, crying, needing a referee?

Motherhood is hard.  There are days when my head hits the pillow and all I can think about are the ways I am failing.  Ways I should have parented better.  Vows I make to be better tomorrow.  I want so desperately to be the best mom; best wife; best {fill in the blank}. I am overwhelmed with the feeling that every choice, word, action has an affect on who my children become.  As mothers, we have this enormous responsibility to raise our children into good people.

People who love others; are kind and considerate; contribute to society; have morals and standards; love Christ and follow him wholeheartedly. This list goes on forever.

There are days when my head hits the pillow and I just let the tears fall and wonder if I can really do this.  When I doubt if God knew what he was doing entrusting these boys to me.  Can I really handle it all and do it well?

And that is when he reminds me that I can't. Not on my own.  He doesn't want me to do anything on my own.  He wants to do everything with me.  

I am so thankful for His grace.  For grace that is enough.  That I can be an extension of that grace to my children.  I am thankful for forgiveness when I mess up and yell or am short with the boys.  I am thankful that he can use me, in all my imperfections, to teach my boys.  I am thankful that he did trust me with my three.  I am thankful that on the days when I feel absolutely lost and not enough, he is there to remind me that I am.

And one day, I will blink and my boys won't be boys but men.  The sleepless nights, whining, bickering will be gone.  There will be no one tugging on my shirt (or spitting up on it).  No one needing one more drink, or story, or snack.  Five more minutes will be a question about curfew instead of snuggling.  So I am thankful that on even the really hard days, God reminds me of that.

The Back Story

I shared with you all our big news but I think the story of how this whole move came together is even more exciting.

Andrew and I had been discussing moving closer to home for awhile...honestly, probably since we found out we were expecting Gabe.  We felt there were things the boys were missing out on, there were things I wanted to have in my life and then having three boys so close in age, the idea of doing that all way from our closest friends and family just didn't seem like something we wanted to do.  We began to pray about.  We tossed around where we would move to, when that would take place. But ultimately we knew we just weren't prepared to move.

Fast forward to August and we were bringing Gabe home from the hospital.  Our conversations of moving were still happening but the idea of moving to Decatur and the possibility of Andrew working from home some and commuting some began to be discussed as an option.  I mean, what is another half an hour if you can work from home some? I began to jokingly say during those first couple of weeks home, wouldn't it be great if we could put our house on the market this spring and be closer to everyone before Gabe's first birthday?  That time frame sort of became our "plan."

Andrew jokingly asked a co-worked (who used to live in our neighborhood) if she wanted to move back.  She said she wished she would but couldn't but knew someone who was actually looking to move and who had looked at our house years ago when it was for sale. Andrew's co-worked contacted her friend, who contacted Andrew.

Long story short, before Gabe was a month old, we had a contract on our house!! This is huge because houses don't always sale quickly in our new town. Houses that were on the market when Andrew and I began looking over a year ago are still on the market.  God thing #1

With a fairly quick closing, Andrew and I came to a conclusion on some things pretty quickly.  Here is what we knew:
-we knew we had to move in at the beginning of November since our November calendar had something every weekend after the 1st
-we knew the area we wanted to move to
-we knew that our options we a bit limited since we had just purchased some investment properties to flip

All of those things, plus we had to find a house we actually LIKED! All in basically a weekend.

Andrew set up some showings for us to walk through on our weekend home. One home was a for sale by owner.  From the pictures online I could tell I liked it.  {If there is one trait about me that hasn't changed, I make decisions quickly.  I can pretty much tell you instantly my thoughts and they don't typically change. My gut is usually what I stick with}

That particular house was the last one we looked at.  It was in a neighborhood we wanted.  In fact, it was just minutes away {WALKING DISTANCE} from two of my closest friends. Homes in this neighborhood are rarely on the market long. I'm talking like within a couple of weeks they often are sold. It had amazing bones.  It is move in ready but of course, unless you build, you can always find ways that you want to change a house to make it your own.  The couple selling the home, actually went to the same church we attended before moving.  Wondering why it hadn't already sold, the owner told us they listed in July but then vacationed all of August so weren't home to show the house. God thing #2.

We were open about our situation and time frame.  They said those restraints weren't an issue.  We drove home Sunday, Andrew made an offer and it was accepted. God thing #3

There is still so much about how this new future looks {Andrew commuting, Hudson switching preschools, etc} but I am so grateful for how it has all worked out. I honestly can't wrap my head around it sometimes but the boxes remind me that it is happening! I love how 1 can see God's hand throughout this entire ordeal.

Weekend Recap: News

Happy Monday, friends! This weekend has been a busy one.

Friday was a super busy day.  Andrew went into work a bit earlier than normal since he was taking most of the day off.  I had my six week post partum appointment and since my doctor is an hour away and Gabe hates his car seat (at least that is what we think based on our trips with him thus far) Andrew was going to keep all three boys at home.  So. Much. Simpler.

When I got home, Andrew tagged me in and he was off to the deer stand.  Bow season has officially begun and he was eager to get out there.  None of the boys seemed to want a nap that afternoon but Hudson and Beau played together really well (for like the first time that week!) while I felt like I was having a nursing marathon.

After dinner and baths (I'll spare you the details because it got a little hairy there) my mom showed up.  She came into town to help us with our weekend project.

Which leads me to our weekend project.  But first...

As I was catching up on blog reading, I read a lot of posts regarding why bloggers had started their blogs.  I recall why I started this blog.  I even re-read my first post.  We were moving.  Not across the world but two hours away and at the time that seemed like an enormous move for our little family of four.  It incorporated HUGE changes for both Andrew and I as he took a new job and my career path changed drastically.  And for our boys, who had always had a working mom, now had a working from home mom. With all this change I wanted a way to stay connected.  I wanted a way to document this time in our family's life.  I wanted to share what we had going on.  I wanted to look back 10, 20 years from then and be able to read about our life, for our kids to have a common place with memories and photos.

Now, a little more than a year since we moved away, we are moving home.  Our big project this weekend was packing.  We packed up a majority of our house.  I still can't believe that we will be back home in just a month. And I can't wait to share the story of how all of this happened with you all because it is truly is something God orchestrated.

I am sure someone, somewhere is reading this thinking, "You were only there a year.  You moved for his job.  So why the heck are you moving home? Couldn't you have saved yourself a lot of hassle if you just would stay or not have moved at all?"

What I know is this.  When I read that first post, I still know with 100% certainty that God opened the door for Andrew to take this job.  I know that we were supposed to move here.  I know this because in the last year, we have changed.  Andrew and I have changed in ways that would not have happened if we wouldn't have moved.  We have grown up.  We have learned to lean on each other as husband and wife first.  We learned to talk through issues, big and small.  We learned the preciousness of our little family; just the four (now five) of us and how to do life together.  We grew in our faith.  We learned how to trust God with situations that normally would have caused a lot of worry.  And God showed us what it was like to be blessed because of our belief in His faithfulness.  Andrew became a better husband and father.  I became a better wife and mother. I'm not saying any of this to pat us on the back.  It is simply me saying that God brought us here to teach us, grow us, stretch us.

So why move back? There are things we miss.  Things we want for our kids.  Things we want for ourselves. Things that just aren't as readily available in such a small town.  So we prayed about it.  We prayed about the timing and if we were supposed to move back.  And God answered.

I can't wait to share with you all how He answered.

Being A Boy Mom

As our delivery date is quickly approaching, I can't help but seem to reflect on being a boy mom.  Some days Andrew gets home from work and in the chaos of playing outside, the boys running around, or me trying to get dinner going, I ask, "Seriously. How are we going to handle another boy?"

I always knew I wanted to be a mother.  It was a desire in my heart that dates back the furthest.  Mothering was instinctual when it came to my babies and my little brother.  Growing up with two brothers, being in a family with both genders, I naturally assumed I would always have my own little family mixed with some boys and girls.

I can remember the weeks leading up to our 20 week ultrasound.  I was focused on the baby being healthy first, but I also was trying to get some inkling as to what the gender would be.  The pregnancy didn't feel different, and although most gender test results revealed girl, I kept telling Andrew that I thought boy.  Not because of mother's intuition, but because, if I'm being honest, I didn't want to get my hopes up.  I sound terrible, right? Ungrateful even.  But that wasn't it.  I just knew that Andrew and I were to a point in life where we wondered if this was going to be our last pregnancy and I didn't want to think girl and find out it was a boy and be slightly disappointed.

At our ultrasound, it was a family affair.  Andrew was there and we took the boys since we live further from family and our appointment was mid-day.  When they announced boy and began talking about how he was measuring and assuring us he was healthy and on track, I felt relief.  And I felt a bit of panic--THREE boys three and under?? And then I felt a bit of sadness.  No proms.  No wedding dress shopping.  No sidekick to go get a pedicure with. My mind kept replaying that saying: "A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he gets a wife." {Who wrote that diatribe up anyway??} I wondered, as if my boys were leaving the nest any day, if they would get married and get wrapped up in a family other than our own; if my future daughter-in-laws would love me and see me as a companion and not just the mother-in-law.

Well time has passed and God has used his Holy Spirit, His word, and some sweet truths spoken from dear friends, to reveal to my heart how lucky I am to be a boy mom.

I may not ever have that companionship with a daughter to do girly things with, but I get the honor of teaching my boys about the girly things, so they are sensitive and attentive to their one day wives.

Being a boy mom may mean football practices and sweaty pads over dance recitals and ribbons, but I get to encourage them to use their strength that God has placed in them in ways to serve Him on and off the field.

Being a boy mom means that I am the first female my boys will love. That I am the model who shows them what being a wife is; what being a mother is; what being a woman after God's heart looks like.  They will look to me for that without even knowing it.  The responsibility of that task is overwhelming, yet God has thought to give me three boys to show that to.  Humbling doesn't begin to describe.

Being a boy mom means that as their mother, I get to have those sensitive conversations that help them understand that female mind given my perspective.  I get to help shape my boys into men that see women as God created them to be; not as the world idolizes, sexualizes and promotes them to be. I will be the one who has the conversations about clothes and make-up with my boys so they can recognize true beauty, inner beauty in a world that bombards them a focus on outer.

I have the great task to pray for their future wives, my future daughters.  To pray that God keeps her safe and pure.  To pray that God molds her into a woman that will fit perfectly with my son, that they will compliment one another and lift each other up. To pray that I will be another mother to her and that our relationship will be blessed.

I have the responsibility, my husband and I, to teach our boys to be strong without apology; to be men of integrity and faith; to be servants; to be dreamers.  I have the responsibility to teach our boys that there are some things that men do better {just as there are some things women do better} and to be proud of those things.

As a friend pointed out, our country, our world, is in desperate need for men of God. Men after God's own heart.  And God trusted three of them to Andrew and me.

There are perks of being a boy mom I never really noticed until this past summer as Hudson is really becoming my big boy.

I always get all the flowers.  I get the first kisses and their hugs.  They are gentler with me than with their dad.  I won't have to have the birds and the bees talk with any of my boys (same gender parent does that one).  I get to eat my meals out in peace {kind of} because it is Andrew that takes our Hudson to the restroom.  I don't have to worry about explaining why a crop top or booty shorts are inappropriate.  {PTL boy clothes are easier..at least right now} They come to me when they are sad and I can make it better.  They can express why they are sad versus having to many emotions to articulate {their mama totes that quality}.  On a long car trip if someone really has to go, we have the option of just pulling over for a quick stop {no rest area needed}.

So maybe I won't get to watch my daughter try on a wedding dress.  {Or maybe this baby isn't the end of babies for us.} But my prayer is I grow my boys into men who choose women who will allow me to be present.  My prayer is that I partner with God for this task.  And that I always thank Him for the blessing it is to be a boy mom.

credit TEP

credit TEP

Prayer Circles

I am a really big goal setter.  I always have been.  I love to-do lists because I love that feeling of crossing a line through an item that is completed; checking it off with satisfaction.  It could be partly because I come from a long line of organized ladies or partly because I have a tendency to have an over-achieving personality but either way, reaching goals is something I've always liked to do to measure growth.

That being said, it wasn't until about a year ago that I started to set and write down long term goals instead of just my weekly to-dos. You know, thinking beyond accomplishing the laundry pile, grocery store and menu planning! {Although accomplishing those goals should be celebrated with a glass of wine some weeks!!} I had never thought to be proactive in where I went in life versus just doing my best and seeing where I ended up.  I still don't think I would have adopted this practice without journeying down a completely different career road than I had ever imagined but that is a different story altogether.

So, when the new year rolled around, I made a list of 10 BIG goals.  The list was a marriage of goals of all types: relational, business, financial and spiritual.

I have always gone to church; I grew up in church! But I haven't always been very good about carrying my relationship with Christ on my own.  That quiet time that is spoken about so often in youth group and during sermons.  I was very hit and miss with it. It just wasn't a constant and it certainly wasn't a practice as I made out my goals.

So I wrote down a goal to pursue my relationship with God more actively.  I further defined that by having daily quiet time of prayer and reading the Bible.

Well, seven months later, although I am not perfect, I am really thankful that I wrote that goal down.  Seeing it listed among my other goals has pushed me to make it a reality.  I wanted to share with you all a little bit about my routine in case you are like me and sometimes have days where you can barely find time to go to the bathroom, let alone time for some "quiet"

{Bible Reading Plan}
I know for me, the Bible is overwhelming.  I don't know where to start reading, how much to read.  I always feel like I read the same parts of the Bible over and over.  I didn't want that.  And, for someone who grew up in church, there was so much of God's word that I hadn't read. {Kind of embarrassing to admit that} I wanted to read it with fresh eyes.  I had forever heard of the YouVersion app so I downloaded that and searched through the partial Bible plans.  I found a plan that actually has 12 parts.  Over the course of the year, I will read the Bible in its entirety.  I like it because it jumps around.  I have read books in both the New and Old Testaments.  I also like the plan I chose because it is only a few chapters each day.  It isn't overwhelming and if I do miss it isn't hard to make a couple of days reading up. Just in the few months I've been doing it, I have read so much that I hadn't read before. If you are like me and don't know where to start

{Jesus Calling}
My grandma got me this devotional for Christmas last year.  I simply love it.  It is written as if Jesus is speaking to you. It has encouragement and reminders in the short daily writing. The book also lists a few verses at the end of each day that prompted the writing of the day. I can't tell you the number of occasions I have opened this devotional and the days message really felt as if God were speaking right to me.  It is such a simple and quick devotional but also so powerful.

{Praying Circles}
This is something that I started doing a couple of months ago.  Last summer our home church in Decatur gifted each family with the book, Praying Circles Around Your Children.  I read it last summer and it stuck with me but I hadn't put it into practice.  The idea, in short, is that as parents, we can take scripture and literally use it to prayer for our children specifically.  I had never thought to look at scripture that way!! So, what I do as I am doing my reading, is I have a little notebook by my side.  I date it for the day, and anything that speaks to me, particularly about myself, my kids, or my husband, I circle in my Bible. Then I right that scripture down to use as a prayer when praying for my kids.  Isn't that so neat??

An example of how I've used this: Just this past week I was reading in Job and read Job 1:1 "...This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil."

I circled it and wrote the verse down.  I can now recall the verse and use it to pray for my boys:
~God, help Hudson and Beau to grow to honor you.  Help them to make choices that glorify you; that hold them blameless and upright, in your eyes.  I pray that they know you God, that they fear you with a godly dear and that they turn from evil.~

I have really loved doing this. I feel like my prayers are so much more intentional.

{Power of a Praying..}
I also read a prayer a day from the Power of a Praying Wife/Parent books. I don't always fit this in with my quiet time but can do it before bed.  The prayers in each book are specific ways for me to pray for my husband and kids.  Like I mentioned above, I love having an intentional way to pray.  There are so many areas in their lives that I miss when praying and this book prompts me to cover that area.  I read a different prayer each day (there are 30) and restart the book at the beginning of the month. Another way to use the book is if there is a specific area in your husband or child's life, you could continually pray that topics prayer until you see it resolved or God releases you from it.


Do you have a quiet time? What do you do? I'd love to hear.

Leaving A Legacy

This past week I had a lot of time to reflect.  Hearing the stories of the man Andrew's great-grandpa was, they amazed me.  They humbled me.  They made me grateful.  It was him, and his life for his sweet wife, that built the family that led to my husband.

I saw the friends and family pour into the room for his visitation and funeral.  He and Helen had five children; who went on to have eleven of their own.  Those grand children had kids.  Wayne and Helen saw many of their great-grand children be married and watched at least eight great-great grand children be born.

He saw technology change; leaders rise up; war; depression.  Through it all, he and his wife created this family.

And I thought, "What am I creating?"  I wondered what Andrew and I were doing to leave an impact on the world.  I thought of all the things that the world deems worthy: status, wealth, accolades.  But to me, as I reflected on what was being said about Wayne (Andrew's great grand father), those things were there yes, but it was so much deeper.  Family, faith, integrity, work ethic, character.  Those were the characteristics spoken about.

I sit here, with my two littles sleeping and our third kicking away at my belly, and I am overwhelmed at the task of being their mother.  I am overwhelmed at the magnitude of what this role encompasses.  I want to raise them to be strong men.  Men who are compassionate, loyal and hard working.  Men who have a character that stands up for what is right in the face of what might not be popular.  Men who value the opposite sex and love and respect them as Christ calls them to.

I know that Andrew and I can not accomplish this task alone.  I know it is going to take constant prayer, wisdom from others and us seeking Christ to lead us in every new parenting endeavor.  I also know raising our boys into those kind of men is going to be a result of them having their own deep, personal relationships with God.

That is the largest part of what I want to leave our family. Not only our boys but their families to come.  Of anything I can give my boys, leading them to a strong faith is the greatest gift I can give.  To know that when I leave this Earth I will see them again one day.

The other aspect of Wayne's life that stood out to me was his love; a love that spanned 72 years of marriage.  How amazing is that? In a world where love is such a flippant term and marriage seems to be disposable, to see a love last so long and endure so many ups and downs in life, had me in awe. They were married at the ages of 17 and 21.  (Wayne would be the first to remind you he was younger)  I am sure marrying that young, raising a family and going through the years they did there were ups and downs.  But those tough times were always conquered together.  How much life did they share?  And as I looked at the family in the room, there were so many strong marriages represented.

I know that my marriage isn't perfect.  What marriage is? But I don't ever want my boys to grow up thinking marriage is perfect.  I want my boys to look at Andrew and I's marriage and relationship and see love.  Love that continues to fight when things aren't rosy; love that loves in the midst of flaws; love that gives and builds up; love that is respectful and submissive.  I hope my boys see that.  I hope we leave our boys with a marriage of many years, an example of how to love like Christ commands us to love.

If Andrew and I can accomplish that, I feel like I will have accomplished everything. If at my life's end those are the things my children and their children remember, what a blessing.

I need thee...

Happy Monday!  This weekend was a whirlwind as all our weekends seem to be of late. On Friday we headed back home to Decatur since Saturday would be so busy.  My brother-in-law was graduating from the electrical program he had been going through and there were events all day on Saturday surrounding that.  By Saturday night I was zonked!!

Since the events didn't end until late in the evening, we stayed Saturday night as well which meant that we could be go to our home church Sunday morning for service. Andrew and I have attended this church together for almost 10 years but I had been attending with my family for closer to 15.  It definitely feels good to visit and worship there.

This particular Sunday we had a guest come and sing with our worship team.  Y'all she was amazing.  The worship team, band and choir at our church are outstanding.  I love to feel the presence of God fill the room as we praise Him but yesterday I felt that even more.  It is so humbling.

During communion, our guest and two others sang a popular song by Selah, "I Need Thee Every Hour (Part the Waters Lord).

As I listened, focusing my attention on Christ, the words of this song became so very powerful to me.

It is so easy for me to call on Christ as I need Him.  As I see fit.  When my days seem chaotic; when the boys are being challenging; when my friends or family have requests; when my world seems to have problems too big.  But every hour? Do I live my life as though I need Him every hour?

Honestly, I don't.  But I do need Him.  Even without my acknowledgment, I need Him; desperately.  Isn't it easy to put God in a box and only call on Him when we see fit?  I am so guilty of this.

During the song, I could feel God challenging me to make Him part of EVERY part of my day.   "In joy or pain."  So that is my new focus.  I'm praying as I do that I can see some changes in myself, my relationship with Him and just my overall being throughout the day.

If you aren't seeking Him throughout your day, I challenge you to make Him a bigger part.  He deserves all of us.

Thankful for sick days

I had another post planned for today but as luck would have it, life happened.  And in the midst of that life, these thoughts overwhelmed me.

Let me back up.  Today's agenda was quite clear.  I needed to clean the house.  The boys and I had been back in Decatur a lot the last couple of weeks (and our family is going to Decatur again this weekend to celebrate Uncle Aaron's graduation) so our house needed a good, deep clean.  Andrew had done his best at keeping it picked up, but we all know the difference between picked up and clean, right? *Ahem*

So I woke up and got in gear. However, when the boys woke up, Hudson was a little off.  He is our morning person.  He practically bounces out of bed and sings his good morning to you.  This morning, not the case.  He looked a little meek and said his throat hurt.  Well, what can you do for a sore throat? Not a whole lot. And with the weather going from summer to winter to spring this week, I just chalked it up to weather changes and told him to take it easy.

After I cleaned up breakfast and got us dressed, I made a list for Wal-Mart.  We needed a few household items and cleaning supplies so just a quick trip but Hudson kept making whining noises.  This exhausts me  tries my patience.  I ask him, "Do you think you are going to get sick?" **Sidenote- Hudson is our puker. When he doesn't feel well, especially with a sore throat, we usually get vomit. He assured me he was fine.

Our Wal-Mart trip took about 15 minutes.  That's right, folks. Be impressed. In our small town, it is just a regular ole Wal-Mart, not the super kind with groceries and given that it was still early in the day, it was not busy at all. So we are on our merry way, with Hudson still whining, and me continuing to ask the puke question.  I assure him he will be alright, let's just get home and then he can rest.

We make it home and are in the house and of course, it's been an hour, and this pregnant mama has drank about half a gallon of water already, so is scurrying to the bathroom after putting Hudson in bed.

Are you there with me yet? Do you see where this day is going? Not even washing my hands yet and Hudson is bursting through the door in tears and I just know.  It is coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  My poor guy get sick all over the bathroom.  And then starts really crying. Which makes Beau cry.  And I am just trying to wash my hands so I can handle this mess and not join him in throwing up.

I'll spare you the details, but Hudson also had gotten sick before making it to the bathroom.  In his bed.  You know, the one with the clean sheets from this morning's chore?

Now, let me be honest.  Normally these situations overwhelm me a little bit.  I don't really know why except that I am really OCD, hate sick kiddos because I feel helpless, but hate puke even more.  But today, no feeling of being overwhelmed.  I calmed Beau and Hudson, got everything cleaned up and re-sheeted the bed.  Then Hudson laid down and fell asleep.  As Beau and I were cleaning (read: I was cleaning, Beau was running between my feet so it was more a game of how long before the pregnant lady tumbles) I kept thinking, "Thank you God."

Wait- what? Really?

Yes.  Because I was home.  Last year whenever one of the boys would get sick, it was a scramble to decide who should stay home, who's schedule was less demanding that day.  Or if the sitter would call, trying to get sub plans ready hurriedly so I could be out the door. {And any teacher knows that sub plans are almost a punishment so you go to work even when you are not sure you can make just to avoid having to write them.}  Not today.  Today I could be there to calm my kids down.  I got to clean up his mess and dry his tears.  No worrying or rushing.

God reminded me today of how great His plans are for us.  He reminded me of the way He proves His love me over and over, through honoring the desire's of my heart but pointing out ways to be thankful I wouldn't have recognized a year ago.

So yes, I am thankful for the sick days.

Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day!!

I am unwinding from my day with family.  It was such a sweet, simple day.  But first, let me back up to last night when I celebrated with MY mama!!  For that time was sweet too and also offered me a reminder that I so desperately needed.

As a grown up daughter, I don't always know what to get my mom on holidays or for special occasions.  One thing I have realized is I miss spending time together.  We still get together now but growing up we would go do things together just the two of us. As our lives have evolved and I have become a busy mom myself, it is harder to sometimes find time to do things together that are just our own without the littles.

I had been hearing about the movie Mom's Night Out and I knew that a night at the movies would be a fun treat for us both.  And a treat it was.  If you are a mom, GO SEE THIS MOVIE!! If your children are grown, you will recall the days of having little ones.  And if you have little ones, you will relate to the chaos of life the main character experiences in the day to day.

There were so many parts of that movie that resonated deep within me.  My mom and I both had tears at times.

I blog to document our family, our lives, and so my children will look back and have these detailed memories and photos all in one place.  But I also blog to connect to other mommies.  To read about their lives, their joys and their struggles.  But one thing I rarely BLOG about is my struggles as a mom. One of the scenes of the movie showed the mom talking with her husband about how she dreamed of a life as a wife and mother and how having that dream now she felt unhappy.  And y'all-- I have felt that way.

I grew up with that exact dream in mind.  Knowing that desire was placed in my heart by the God who created me.  It was the one desire I was most certain of and that never waivered.  But motherhood is hard.  And messy.  And it can be lonely.

That movie reminded me to that God created me and blessed me with these boys as my own because He choose me to be their mama.  Knowing all my shortcomings; knowing all the ways I would fail (daily); knowing exactly who I was, He choose ME!  That is quite a statement.  He deemed me enough, not in my own strength, but in HIS.

With that thought on my mind and expanding in my heart, I woke up this morning even more grateful to hold the title mom.  I came down the stairs (we are at my parents') and was greeted from Hudson with a smile and a "Happy birthday, Mama!" and a big cheesy grin from Beau.

My boys know me so well, running to give me a new workout bag filled with bright workout gear.
They greeted me after church with handmade finger-print flowers on paper printed with a poem.  Neither wanted to sit with Dad so the three of us were squeezed into one side of the booth at lunch (which Beau screamed through).  We played at the park and took their Gammy to get frozen yogurt. And throughout the day, I was reminded that though this day is a bit of a Hallmark holiday, these boys were the best gift I have received.

I hope you other mothers were blessed on your special day.  But more that that, I hope that you are filled with the knowledge and peace that you are enough.  That God is equipping you every day for all the challenges of motherhood that you are going to face.  Every stage, every phase, every mess, every tantrum.

I also can't end this post without acknowledging all the women out there whose arms are aching to hold their own baby.  Although I don't know the heartache of having to wait, I do know the pain of loss.  I can imagine that this day is hard and painful.  Feel my heartfelt prayers for you.

Easter 2014

I just love Easter.  It is the most important holiday in my faith and I am always thankful for the sacrifice God made in sending his Son but I love this holiday that really focuses on it.

We really want our kids to always know the magnitude of Christ's sacrifice so we don't play up the bunny and we try to keep God at the focus of our family always (you can read about that here). That being said, we love all the fun traditions that come along with Easter.

Andrew had Good Friday off so after lunch we headed back to Decatur to spend some time with my parents.  They were traveling on Saturday to see my brother and sister-in-law in Chicago so we wouldn't see them until church on Sunday.  We wanted to get in some special Easter time with them since the rest of our weekend was pretty packed.

The weather this past weekend could not have been more perfect.  So when we got to my parents the boys had their (first) egg hunt of the weekend.  They seriously loved it.

We went inside to empty their eggs.  It was HEAVY on the candy and snacks but the boys got some coins to put in their piggy banks.  I seriously have already started to hide the candy in our house so I am not tempted.  :)

We also got to go dinner with my parents that night.  I so enjoy being able to have time with my parents as a parent now myself.  I truly see the preciousness of that relationship and know that I hope my boys will grow into adults that Andrew and I love in a whole new way.  

The next day we went to have breakfast with Andrew's grandparents.  Don and Jo are so so sweet.  Jo is seriously such a gem.  She is the kind of grandma (and now great-grandma to our boys) that makes them quilts and bunnies for Easter, can sew anything, makes things like jam and biscuits from scratch.  People like that just amaze me and it comes so naturally to her.  She also raised three boys so I feel a bond in that too. :) Our boys are so lucky to have three sets of great-grandparents so involved in their lives.  They can learn so much from them.  Definitely blessed to have family so close. 

Hudson was in serious need of a haircut and this mama was really to the point of being done doing that nonsense.  Not that I mind really, but I feel like it takes me FOREVER and Hudson gets restless and then I get snappy and then don't want to do it so put it off for like ever which results in him looking like a rag muffin. He was such a stink about when he was little that I took it over but I mean, he's three now.  Kid has to start some big boy stuff ;) 

Fortunately there is this barber shop in town that I had seen other people go to and I knew they did kids.  So after breakfast we headed downtown.  And oh my, it was so cute.  Cute probably isn't the term the men that own the establishment want me to use to describe it but I loved it!  It smelled amazing, had such a charm about it.  And you know they did good work because it was walk in only (maybe they take appointments) and our little man had to wait like 45 minutes.  To which I will say this--totally worth it! Hud was done in like 15 minutes, the man that cut his hair was a DOLL and so sweet to Hudson and the boy looked adorable when it was done! That was worth it for this mama to be stress free in the hair cut realm. 

We then went to Andrew's parents' house where we were staying for the weekend.  The boys had lunch and played outside.  Hudson got to with Mimi to the circus later that afternoon.  He was pretty excited even though I don't think he really knew what to expect.  Hudson's cousins went too.  My SIL, Jaci, put this picture of the big two on Instagram.  You can totally tell they are cousins, right??!

After they got home we all had dinner and then we got things ready to dye eggs. Four kids, three and under- it was a hoot! They were all pretty into it really, even the littles! Hudson and Beau used their hands while the girls used the egg-grabbers. Lila was seriously clean when she left the table compared to Hudson's hands that looked like the Hulk! Boys! 

I am so grateful for cousins (on both sides) so close in age to our boys.  It has made holidays, family outings, and traditions so much fun!! 

The next morning our boys woke up to see what they got for Easter. They didn't wake up particularly early.  They still don't know to do that on Christmas and Easter and birthdays.  I'll take it while it lasts.  Then we all got ready and headed off for church.  

** I know that girls seem like so much fun to dress up and such but oh my I absolutely adore dressing up our boys like little men! Seriously- melts my heart!!

Church was amazing.  I get so much out of worshiping with my church family every week but oh how I love Easter.  I love our home church in Decatur so it is always sweet to be there for worship but especially so on Easter Sunday.  If you are in the Decatur, IL area and don't have a home church, I know First Christian Church would welcome you with open arms!!

After service we headed to Andrew's other grandparents.  The boys got to have their second egg hunt but not before pictures with cousins. 

First Cousins

Paisley, Lila, Hudson, Beau, Eli

Family of 4 (and a 1/2) Easter 2014

 Then the hunt was on! There were a ridiculous amount of eggs! Like, our kids all had two buckets! Ha! 

Then it was into play clothes and time for lunch! They opened their Easter baskets from Mimi and Papa and their great-grandparents and played to their  hearts content outside with bubbles.  We hate leaving but our boys were tired and driving home is always less thrilling.  Fortunately both boys napped the WHOLE two hours home.

It was such a wonderful weekend with our families.  Hard to believe next Easter we will have three little boys to share these memories with!