Questions

Gabe will be 7 months on Sunday. SEVEN months.

And I have all these feelings.  All these thoughts.  I started this blog because I wanted a place to look back on our life and see snapshots.  To know and remember my kids at different stages.  To record my thoughts on raising them so they would have a scrapbook of sorts one day.  And while I'm not always consistent, I am so grateful for this little space. And I think, if this is the space that shows our life, I have to record this piece too.

How do you know when your last baby is your last? How do you know when your family is complete?

I look at my three, beautiful, HEALTHY boys and know what blessings they are to me.  I am beyond grateful. I did nothing to deserve them.  I am no one special, yet somehow, they are my biggest accomplishments.

But there is still this ache.  This longing and desire for another.  I can't place it.  I can't even put my finger on why.  Lord knows there are days when I am sure He questions giving me one, let alone three! So how could I possibly think one more would be a good idea??? Yet with the same breath I am cursing my skin that is so tough to tighten back up, I would do it all again.  In a heartbeat.

But where do you draw the line? Will I always ache for the weight of a newborn in my arms? Will there always be a small piece of my heart that longs to see that pregnant show up? To sport a little {BIG} baby bump??

I want to be the best mom.  I want to give my boys everything.  I want to show them things in this world, and teach them, and be so very present in their lives.

I am conflicted.  Can I do all that if we have another? Is it selfish to want another? Andrew and I already work so hard.  We have such young ones, is it selfish to want another and steal time away from him and I?

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know what God's plan is for our family; if we are complete or not.  But I do trust that He will guide us.

And in the mean time, I will soak up every minute with my babies.